At a deeper level, we criticize ourselves to feel safe
. For example, we commonly believe that
self-criticism helps us:
•
Avoid future mistakes.
•
Improve as a person.
•
Repair relationships with people we have offended.
•
Remain internally connected to early childhood caregivers.
First, MSC participants are given an opportunity to reflect on how self-criticism appears to help us
improve ourselves, then we go over the research described above, which shows that harsh self-
criticism actually undermines motivation while self-compassion promotes it. The distinction
between self-judgment and discernment is made, and we discuss how by giving ourselves
encouragement and support, our field of awareness stays open and we can discover what went
awry and correct mistakes we have made. With self-compassion we try to grow and change not
because we are inadequate, but because we care about ourselves and don’t want to suffer
needlessly.
These messages are reinforced during session 4 in a group exercise called Finding Our
Compassionate Voice. We start by asking the participants to think of a behavior they would like to
change and about which they criticize themselves, such as procrastination, not exercising or
impatience. Then they write down what they actually say to themselves and how it makes them
feel. The most interesting part of this exercise is a reflection on how the “inner critic” is actually
trying to keep a person safe from harm, even if it hurts and is ultimately unproductive. The final
steps are to thank the inner critic and make space for a new voice, the voice of the “compassionate
inner self”. One participant remarked, “I used to say to myself ‘Hey Bitch’. Now I say ‘Whoa Tiger!’”
Finding one’s compassionate voice continues in a home practice assignment titled Compassionate
Letter to Myself in which we write a spontaneous and uncensored description about a problem that
leaves us feeling mildly ashamed or inadequate. Then, imagining an unconditionally loving and
understanding friend, we write a letter to ourselves from the perspective of the friend, focusing on
the perceived inadequacy and gentle suggestions for change, while infusing the letter with a strong
sense of the friend’s kindness and caring.
In session 4 we also discuss how self-compassion is critical for caregivers, who can become
exhausted by caring for others without giving themselves the kindness and support they need. We
discuss the importance of traditional strategies for caregivers such as drawing appropriate
boundaries and engaging in self-care strategies (exercise, time with friends, etc.), but also provide
strategies for staying in the
presence
of suffering with equanimity. Often when dealing with
someone who is really hurting, the majority of our attention has to be on giving compassion to
ourselves for the empathetic pain we are experiencing, so that our hearts can remain open and
available.
We teach participants a practice they can take with them when they need it – Breathing
Compassion In and Out. This meditation is derived from the Tibetan practice of “giving and taking”
(
tonglen
)
. In that traditional meditation, the practitioner inhales the pain and suffering of
another individual and exhales kindness and compassion. This process subtly reverses our
instinctive tendency to resist or avoid emotional discomfort that inevitably leads to more suffering.
For stressed caregivers, however, we teach them to breathe in compassion for themselves as well
as breathing out compassion for others, so that their burden is as light as possible. This meditation
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