suffering, and this is what we call empathy.
Furthermore, the degree of unbearability we feel when witnessing the suffering of others correlates
directly with how endearing those others appear to us. The closer we feel to them, the more
unbearable we will find their pain. Therefore, if we are to have compassion for others, we need to
cultivate a sense of endearment towards others. Our sense of endearment is normally very biased,
however. We feel it strongly towards our family members, but it takes on a more indifferent tone
towards people whom we do not know very well and whom we do not see as directly relevant to
our lives, which is the vast majority of people in the world. When it comes to those we dislike
strongly, or even hate, we may feel little if any discomfort in seeing their suffering, or may even, in
the worst cases, take pleasure in it.
This is the reason why it is important to cultivate impartiality as a condition for the fuller
development of compassion and for the arising of unbiased compassion. Without leveling out our
strong biases, our compassion will remain limited to the few nearest and dearest to us. With a
greater sense of impartiality, however, we will be able to extend our compassion in ever-widening
circles, eventually even embracing all of humanity, including those whom we once considered to
be enemies.
As we mentioned, the seed of compassion is biologically given in all of us. Cultivating impartiality is
like leveling the field, without which even growth is not possible. Developing affection and
endearment towards others is like providing moisture that nourishes the seeds and brings about
their healthy growth.
Self-Compassion: The Need for a Secure Base
An inability to bear the suffering of others does not automatically translate into compassion,
however. It can result in what psychologists call empathic distress. This is when we see the
suffering of another, but are paralyzed and become anxious, and thereby want only to flee from the
experience, rather than address the suffering of that person and help them. Consider two people
who witness a bad car crash and see the injured victims. One becomes so distressed by the sight
that she turns away and experiences intense anxiety; this is empathic distress. The other
witnesses the same thing but rushes over to see if she can be of assistance; this is empathic
concern. What is necessary to ensure that witnessing suffering leads to empathic concern, and not
empathic distress, is a secure base. A secure base is a type of courage that comes from an inner
confidence that suffering can be overcome.
An analogy would be an addict who is in the throes of his addiction and can’t see a way out of it.
When he sees another addict suffering, this triggers his sense of hopelessness and despair, and he
experiences only anxiety. But if he sees that the true source of his addiction is a craving that can in
time be brought under control and dealt with, and if he thereby feels a sense of inner confidence in
his ability to overcome his affliction with help, his response may change. He now sees a light at the
other end of the tunnel, so when he sees a fellow addict suffering, he has a secure base to respond
to that person with empathic concern and an offer of help, instead of only responding with empathic
distress.
The Indian sage Shantideva hinted at this relationship when he wrote, “If one could not even
dream of such a thought for oneself, then how could it be possible to have such a thought for
others?” One interpretation of this verse is that Shantideva is suggesting that if one does not have
the understanding that one can emerge from suffering for oneself, and the determination to do so,
then how could one recognize that others can also be freed from suffering, and determine to help
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