purpose of transforming it.
Erika L. Rosenberg
“Tonglen”
25:23 min
If it seems toxic to breathe in another’s pain, then the fear of being with suffering has not been
adequately addressed. Only when this fear is met with ease can the growth continue.
How do we address fear? Part of this can happen foundationally, in helping set up the optimal
conditions for compassion cultivation. From the CCT perspective (see
, key to this is basic
contemplative training in learning how to stabilize the mind and focus attention. This foundation
helps the person see his or her own reactions more objectively, to see such emotions arise, and to
be mindful of the urge to flee.
Also key to working with fear and other “scary” emotions is self-compassion, which is another part
of CCT training (
and
for more details about self-compassion). If one has practiced
being gentle on oneself and meeting one’s own basic needs for comfort and peace, then letting go
of sources of suffering (such as fear) is easier to do. We teach that emotions are brief, evanescent
experiences. If you let them run their natural course, the arousal will subside. Then you can move
along.
Sadness. The suffering of others – loved ones or strangers – is disheartening. We may experience
dismay at their hardships, wishing for the return of a state of wellness. If the target of our practice
is someone dear, then we may experience sadness over our own loss – of the person our loved
one used to be or what he or she used to be able to do. Sadness has a great pull, and we have to
be mindful of getting caught in its torrents. Once again, insight, spaciousness and self-care are
key. The most important lesson – we think – is learning how to interpret an acute feeling of
sadness as indicative of what that person means to you, and letting the immediate surge of
emotion dissipate on its own.
Grief. Grief might be described as a combination of sadness and pain
When coming into
emotional resonance with another’s condition we might quite literally feel pained at their suffering.
The techniques for dealing with grief are similar to those for dealing with fear and sadness –
spaciousness, insight and self-compassion. As with sadness and fear, there is also an educational
component in CCT that helps participants distinguish between genuine compassion and what are
known as its “near enemies”, typically understood to be grief and pity
The experience of grief is
often a result of feeling overwhelmed by the suffering. In this case, we encourage participants to
see if they have slipped from feelings of compassion for the other person into feelings of grief at
their own inability to “handle” the suffering. This feeling of overwhelm can quickly escalate into a
story about all the suffering in the world and the impossibility of attending to it all. Here we see, as
whenever there is a near enemy, that we have shifted into a story about ourselves, rather than
maintaining concern for the object of compassion.
Anger. It is not uncommon for anger to arise when bringing to mind people we care about, as our
most intimate relationships often carry with them a history of conflict as well as love, not all of it
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