Mary made an unusual decision. In spite of my exhortation to refrain from bringing any of this
content into the classroom, Mary decided spontaneously to explain the refractory period to her 5th
graders. She said it was as if she could see the light bulbs turn on over the heads of this band of
troublemakers in the back of the room. It was the first time they demonstrated any interest in what
she had to say. As she read the relief on their faces she understood how they, too, had felt
disgusted with themselves, and had been blaming themselves for their behavior. The refractory
period concept allowed them to understand themselves in a way that was both new and
normalizing. They had also come to expect punishment, anger or disgust from others. When they
were met not only with understanding but with a way to understand
themselves
, a pattern was
broken that could have kept snowballing until they landed in juvenile hall.
For Mary, the practice of extending kindness and compassion to her most difficult students allowed
her to be more creative and spontaneous as a teacher. Imagining the suffering of these
challenging students allowed her heart to soften towards them. As a result, she no longer needed
to “prove” how bad they were, and solidify her case against them. Before Mary could reach these
kids, she had to be willing to let go of her anger towards them. When she did, she had access to
her natural insight and creativity as a teacher, which included the novel idea of teaching the
refractory period to 5th graders.
Linda
Linda taught seven and eight year olds at a public school in a very diverse community. You
couldn’t hope to meet a more direct, honest and no-nonsense person. Though she loved her
students fiercely, it was without frills or sentimentality. She was great to have in class because she
would not only challenge me with her doubt and skepticism, but her expressive face would register
her confusion and distaste for any language or ideas that might have a hint of “new age nonsense”.
Linda signed up for the class because she was feeling very challenged by one boy in particular
(Adam). Nothing seemed to work with Adam; in her mind she was “taking him home at night” with
increasing frequency.
In MBEB, forgiveness practice has been added as a precursor to kindness and compassion
cultivation. By releasing resentment and anger, it is often easier to access warmth and care for
ourselves and for others [
]. Linda’s process of transformation with Adam began
with forgiveness. The following quotes are from her exit interview:
“The forgiveness CD starts with forgiving yourself, which is really trippy because, you know, I’m not
quite used to that language.
Margaret Cullen
"Forgiveness Meditation"
12:03 min
But I have to say I did it for the first time yesterday and I was very emotional after that meditation,
and clearly something happened. I know that I carry a lot of resentment towards Adam because he
has been so challenging to handle. And I suddenly realized that I’m holding him responsible for
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