Being Kind to Yourself
How do you typically react to difficulties in life – stress, feeling rejected, physical problems, a major
failure at work? As human beings, most of us instinctively fight negative experiences and find fault
in ourselves when things go wrong: “This shouldn’t be happening!” “What’s the matter with me!?”
Unfortunately, this tendency just adds insult to injury. But what would happen if, instead, you took a
moment to calm and comfort yourself when you felt bad, just
because
you felt bad – much like
you’d do for a friend or a loved one? In other words, what if you practiced the art of
self-
compassion
?
Self-compassion can be learned by anyone, even those who didn’t receive enough affection in
childhood or who find it embarrassing to be kind to oneself. It’s actually a courageous mental
attitude that stands up to harm – the harm that we inflict on ourselves every day by beating
ourselves up, pushing ourselves too hard, and holding ourselves to unrealistic standards of
perfection. Self-compassion gives us emotional strength and resilience, allowing us to recover
more quickly from bruised egos so we can admit our shortcomings, forgive ourselves, and respond
to ourselves and others with care and respect. After all, making mistakes is part of being human.
Self-compassion also provides the support and inspiration required to make necessary changes in
our lives and reach our full potential.
This chapter will first consider what self-compassion is and what it is not, and then review the
scientific evidence for the benefits of cultivating self-compassion.
What is
and Why Do We Need It?
Compassion involves sensitivity to the experience of suffering, coupled with a deep desire to
alleviate that suffering
Self
-compassion is simply compassion directed inward. Drawing on the
writings of various Buddhist teachers
Neff has operationalized self-compassion as consisting of
three main elements: kindness, a sense of common humanity, and mindfulness
These
components combine and mutually interact to create a self-compassionate frame of mind. Self-
compassion is relevant when considering personal inadequacies, mistakes and failures, as well as
when confronting painful life situations that are outside of our control.
Self-Kindness
Western culture places great emphasis on being kind to our friends, family and neighbors who are
struggling. Not so when it comes to ourselves. When we make a mistake or fail in some way, we
may be more likely to beat ourselves up than put a supportive arm around our own shoulder. And
even when our problems stem from forces beyond our control, such as an accident or traumatic
event, we often focus more on fixing the problem than calming and comforting ourselves. Self-
kindness counters this tendency so that we are nurturing, understanding and sympathetic towards
ourselves when noticing personal shortcomings rather than being harshly critical. Self-compassion
is expressed in internal dialogs that are benevolent and encouraging rather than cruel or
disparaging. Instead of attacking and berating ourselves for being inadequate, we offer ourselves
warmth and unconditional acceptance. Similarly, when external life circumstances are challenging
and difficult to bear, self-compassion involves active self-soothing and support
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