we can eliminate a mountain of emotional suffering. To do so, we follow the same procedure as
above – label the negative core belief, find where in our bodies we’re experiencing shame about
that belief, and then practice soften-soothe-allow. This exercise closes with the reminder that our
beliefs about ourselves are just that –
beliefs
, not facts – and our goal is to hold
all
of who we think
we are, all our “selves”, in loving awareness.
The home practice assignment for the week is to apply soften-soothe-allow technique whenever
emotional stress arises during the day.
Session 7: Transforming Challenging Relationships
All relationships include pain. Sartre
famously said, “Hell is other people”. Challenging
relationships may be current ones or much older relationships with deceased friends and relatives.
The “difficult” or “challenging” person is one who has hurt us, and we may struggle with the pain
and the person long after the difficult times have passed. And we can’t avoid difficult people in our
lives, not even when we’re alone at the top of a mountain – our minds are populated with people.
Therefore, learning to transform difficult relationships is the best thing we can do for ourselves.
There are at least two types of relational pain: 1) the pain of disconnection; and 2) empathic pain –
feeling for the suffering of others, like one’s children in distress.
A key ingredient in dealing with relational pain of all kinds is self-compassion – opening to the
suffering we bear, often unconsciously, and responding with kindness and comfort to our burden.
We’re hardwired to feel the pain of others, sometimes contagiously, through the action of our
mirror neurons. Mirror neurons subtly mimic in our own musculature what we see in others, thereby
giving us a sense of what others are feeling
,
. This process is illustrated in a class exercise
in which two people face each other and take turns showing expressions of anger, disgust, fear,
happiness, sadness, etc. The observer usually finds it easy to experience the expressed emotion in
his or her own body.
In partner relationships, our true feelings manage to leak out even when we try to hide them. For
example, if I’m angry, I might stare for a split second too long, or frown when I’d rather have
smiled, and then my partner says, slightly annoyed, “Why are you so angry?” and I think, “
Me
?
Why are
you
so angry?” Actually, we’re
both
angry. We can’t know another person is angry unless
we’re a little angry ourselves. Therefore, due to our mirror neurons, others are always partly
responsible for our own emotions, and we’re always partly responsible for the emotions of others.
To have smooth and happy relationships, our moment-to-moment interactions need to be suffused
with warmth and good will. Our intentions leak out in microcommunications – the tone of the voice,
the flicker of an eye – so we can’t hide our intentions very long. When we give ourselves
compassion during difficult relationship interactions, therefore, we start to feel calm and cared for,
meaning that our relationship partners start to feel calm and cared for as well. This contributes to
an upward spiral of positive interactions, transforming anger and mistrust into kindness and
acceptance.
Hard feelings like bitterness and anger often have an innocent “unmet need” behind them
For example, we all wish to “live favorably in the minds of others
MSC participants are asked to
think of a relationship in which they were hurt and then to strip away the anger and resentment and
discover the unmet need behind the anger. We often wish to be “seen”, “appreciated”, “admired”,
“comforted”, “loved” or to feel “less scared”, “less confused” or “less lonely.” A lovely poem by
Hafiz,
With the Moon Language
illustrates this point:
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