Compassion-Focused Therapy
Many approaches to compassion recognize that it is the blocks and fears of compassion that stop
us from cultivating these core qualities within us. In exploring the fears and resistances, it helps to
understand compassion as having three types of focus. There is the compassion that we feel and
express towards others; the compassion that we are open to
from
others; and
self-compassion
(see also
. While some people can be reasonably comfortable with being
compassionate to others, receiving compassion is a more complex and blocked process. Self-
compassion can be even harder.
I became aware of the fears of compassion in therapy over twenty years ago. I was trying to help
very depressed people stand back and look at some of their negative self-views (e.g., feeling
inferior, useless and unlovable) in a more realistic way (using cognitive therapy). However, in trying
to change, although they could be taught to be more balanced, fairer and less harsh in their self-
judgment, they often did this in a coldly logical or even aggressive way. They might think things
like, “come on you know you have achieved things and are not a failure – and look what your family
does for you – how can you think you are unlovable – stupid!” So I realized that we had to be much
more focused on
the feelings
people were generating when trying to help themselves – cognition
alone was not enough. The self-focused feelings that I tried to help them accompany new ways of
thinking were those of encouragement, support, understanding inner kindness and warmth
In one type of practice I asked people to imagine a very kind, wise individual who really cared
about them, talking to them about these alternative ideas and how that would feel if they accepted
them. What took me by surprise was the difficulty patients had in trying to generate kind feelings
for themselves or be open and accepting to them. Some were outright resistant and refused. They
had ideas of “I don’t deserves kindness; it’s a weakness, it’s letting me off the hook; it feels too
strange; kindness never lasts.” Others said, “I hate myself and could never imagine being kind to
me.” Another common response was sadness. The very idea that one could actually be lovable
seemed to touch a deep yearning for connectedness and loneliness that could feel overwhelming
Being open and trusting of the kindness of others was tough for some people. For example,
sometimes patients would say things like, “well I know people can be kind to me, but I often
wonder why”; or “if you really knew me, you wouldn’t be kind”; or “you are being kind because that
makes you feel good”. Noah Levine offers valuable insights into the difficulties of accessing
compassion and feelings of kindness if you come from a background of violence, addiction, abuse,
etc. – based on his own personal experience:
And of course, kindness to others can be blocked because we may feel they don’t deserve our
kindness or will simply take advantage.
The Issue of Deserve and the Disowned Inner World
Compassion evolved with mammalian attachment and friendship-motivated caring. It is rooted in
the capacity for affiliative feelings, for being loved and being loving (see
. Indeed,
researchers have now shown that we are physiologically best regulated when we feel loved,
wanted and connected (rather than unloved or alone) and are loving (rather than being indifferent,
disliking or even hating
So why do these important qualities of ourselves get so blocked? Why
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