do we find it so difficult to feel loved and to be loving to ourselves and others? Well, there are many
reasons but our research has indicated that one of the core problems comes from issues of
shame
When imagining feeling completely loved, there can be a part of us that feels, “yes,
but
this part
of me, or
these feelings
, or
these fantasies
, or
these past actions
are bad, and you
can’t have compassion for them”.
This, of course, is a tragic situation because this is precisely why compassion is so important. We
need compassion to deal with a whole variety of desires, fantasies, fears, rages, hatreds, traumatic
memories that can feel bad to experience and that we want to disown or run away from. Freud, of
course, saw this as the basis of repression and our trying to exclude certain feelings and fantasies
from even reaching consciousness. When we create a sense of self we also create a sense of the
self
we do not want to be
, and who we do not want others to know about. It is these aspects of our
minds that get pushed into the shadows and we can keep the light of compassion closed to. This is
often the basis of feeling “not deserving” because we are not worthy, good or “wholesome and
pure” enough.
The compassion and wisdom embedded in the evolutionary model (see
helps us
understand that we have these desires, fantasies, hatreds and lusts by virtue of being an evolved,
gene-created human being, who’s grown up in a certain social context – none of which is “our
fault”. There are no fantasies we can have that probably millions of other humans haven’t had at
some point. This type of insight is very helpful in de-personalizing and de-shaming these inner
experiences. Reducing shame and self-blaming/hating, and developing compassion, enables us to
turn towards, and become familiar with, these darker aspects of our evolved minds (in shame we
try to run away from them). Then we can learn how to see them working in us, we do not overly
identify with them, and are able to choose not to act out unthinkingly. We may feel that surge of
anger, fear or lust but are able to hold it compassionately as a construction of our mind. So
compassion is not about ascending to some purified angelic state but descending into the darker
areas of our minds – into what Jung called the shadow sel
Self-Forgiveness
Compassion enables self-forgiveness, while understanding that forgiveness is a process that can
begin first with disappointment or even self-hatred of past actions. The soldier who had a panic
attack and hid behind a wall rather than trying to shoot the enemy and protect his buddies; or the
soldier who did shoot the enemy and realized he’d killed a family with children; a drug addict
stealing from loved ones and being aggressive – are caught up in dramas of life that they would
never choose. Finding compassion and forgiveness can be very difficult and in fact one reason for
veteran suicide. So the lack of self-forgiveness, and the feeling that one doesn’t deserve
compassion, in such contexts, is very serious.
The Link between Shame and Grief
But let us assume that we can see the value of compassion and would really like to explore and
cultivate it. This means we have to open up a bit. But then there is the issue of shame, which is the
most
disconnecting
of all emotions. We do not reveal that which we are ashamed of – it stays
secret, like a toxin in the heart, with fear of revelation and being cast out. It is the story of Adam
and Eve; that we can become offensive in the eyes of others, rejected and doomed to wander
alone. So the healing of shame begins to open us up to the potential to feel loved again (or maybe
for the first time), connected and valued; as a genuinely welcomed person in the world – but
beginning to feel this is not so easy. One reason is because we have to take the risk of being
vulnerable to rejection. What will others discover about me if I open up to them about what’s
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