While it’s important that we are able to recognize our mistakes and take compassionate actions for
reparation or their avoidance in the future, what is called compassionate self-correction
this is
motivated by a genuine wish to be compassionate and effective in the world, and so learn from our
mistakes. This also depends on more than affiliative emotion and requires capacities for
mentalizing, moral maturity and at times courage (see
and Gilbert, 2009
. Some forms
of self-criticism, however, are not motivated by these desires but by the
fear of
mistakes and how it
reflects on us and makes us vulnerable.
Paul Gilbert
"Patients"
0:47 min
There are different types of self-criticism, which function in different ways
This one type is
linked to the drive system. Here, people are critical because they wish to push themselves on to
achieve, avoid making mistakes, and ensure they try harder. Some are fearful of being seen as
inadequate if they do not keep achieving; they are striving to avoid inferiority or “losing out”
Although critical, they believe they can do well. But if they fail, they can become angrily self-critical.
You would have thought that self-compassion would be a good antidote for self-criticism and fear
of being seen as inadequate or shamed. However, they can believe that compassion is a “soft
option” that will make them weak, less interested in striving and thereby more vulnerable to not
actually “making it” and being shamed and rejected and/or losing or missing out. As one patient
said, “if I took your compassionate road I would not try so hard or beat myself up, and then I would
slow down and never be successful”. So these individuals fear compassion because they think it
will undermine the drive system. In some high drive-based disorders such as anorexia, people can
fear giving up their “self-bullying voices” for fear that they will not know who they are or what to
do
Individuals who are using drive, control and achievement to ward off shame fears often end
up bouncing backwards and forwards between drive and threat throughout their lives and only
really feel temporarily okay if they are succeeding. The idea that there is a different way of relating
to themselves with kindness that need not reduce their drive, that will help them when times get
tough, can take some time for them to learn.
A second form of self-criticism involves far more disgust, contempt and a hating orientation to the
self
These individuals don’t just get frustrated and angry with themselves, they actually feel
contempt or hate for themselves or parts of themselves. They are more likely to come from
abusive backgrounds. They can often find it difficult to deal with powerful emotions and may resort
to self-harm in order to stop the feelings of self-disgust and self-loathing. As one patient, who had
been sexually abused from a young age, said, “I hate everything about myself; I hate the way I
look, I hate the emotions that feel as if they will blow my head off; I hate being me!” For her, the
road to compassion was very painful, because compassion involved understanding that hate
always arises from hurt – we hate that which hurts us and therefore we have to understand where
the hurt lies. Also, hatred of the self can hide fear of sadistic feelings towards others (as one
understands we might have from an abusive background). If one is wanting to find a way to feel
loved and be loving, then becoming aware of these feelings can be quite difficult. But we can
recognize them as part of common humanity, tragically all too commonly acted out in human
history, and though unpleasant, they are not our fault but part of how our brains are. Once we
understand them, do not self-blame, we fear them less and might even be compassionate to them
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